The Relationship Mess — And What To Do About It
In our lives, the highest hopes we have are for our relationships.
More than anything else — our work, our friends, our hobbies — we anticipate that our relationship will make us happy.
Unfortunately, these hopes are regularly dashed.
There are the obvious relationship fiascos, the bitter divorces. But there is also the subtle atrophy. As the years pass by, you stop thinking about your partner in sexual and romantic terms and start viewing them as a kind of teammate that you happen to live with.
Now, to be fair, there are advantages to an arrangement like this, especially if you are raising kids together. Having a reliable "colleague" makes the process a lot easier, I’m being told.
Still — what happened to those sexual desires and romantic fantasies, those emotions that once excited you more than anything else in life? Are you really ready to bury them, especially if you are still youngish?
It is one of the most important discussions that couples are not having.
To avoid raising false hopes — there are no quick fixes. The problem took years to form — it won’t disappear in a weekend. However, there is one thing that will help virtually anybody — and that is naming the pain, and naming it to your partner.
By giving each other permission to speak the unfiltered truth, we get relief. We are no longer alone with our doubts and unfulfilled needs. The other person might not be able to do anything about them, but at least there is mutual awareness.
It will make the relationship more endurable, even if nothing factually changes.
However, to articulate your pain, you first need to understand it. That is easier said than done. Relationships are confusing, and so is the sexual marketplace in general. It requires you to think about relationship dynamics deeply and without moral blinders.
This article is meant to help with that. We will look at exactly what creates anguish in relationships, and discuss options. But as I said — just understanding and naming your pain points will already help.
The Reality of Relationships
Most people are fundamentally unhappy in their relationships, or, at some point in the future, will be.
First, there are the numbers. It is often said that half of all marriages end in divorce. That is not quite accurate — it's “only” about 40 percent, according to current studies. Still, 4 out of 10.
Think about what this implies. You swore an oath that you’d stay together until death. Yet, nearly half of us break up anyway. That is how unbearable the situation for many of us has become.
Also, it is fair to assume that things aren't all roses for the remaining 60 percent. More likely, they are similarly unhappy. They are just not miserable enough (or brave enough) to pull the trigger.
I am less disturbed by statistics, though, than by what I’ve been observing firsthand for the last few decades.
Most of the couples I know come from middle-class and upper-middle families, have high levels of education, make good money, and can communicate exceptionally well. Life should be good.
Yet, the bickering hardly ever stops. Past a certain number of years, there is so much emotional buildup, couples simply can't stop jabbing at each other.
And that is still the better of the two scenarios. The worst scenario is when couples default to ignoring each other. I call these shadow relationships — like a shadow, the other person is always with you. But also like your shadow, you don’t notice them anymore.
How can the same person be the source of so much excitement early on and later turn into a source of utter anguish? And why does this so predictably play out?
Let's deconstruct the relationship mess.
I. Why Relationships Go Sour
Five dynamics create most of the anguish.
1) The Proximity Trap
In the beginning, we can’t get enough of each other. More time equals more joy — or so we think. Which is why we move in, nest, and pool our finances.
But the joy never lasts. Soon, hyper-proximity magnifies every annoyance. Quirks that were once cute now drive you insane. All you want is some space.
Friendships don’t suffer the same fate because they naturally oscillate between closeness and distance. You take breaks and recharge. Romantic relationships rarely do. Any step toward distance is branded as failure:
If you moved in, moving out equals failure.
If you pooled finances, unpooling equals failure.
If you spent every free minute together, spending less equals failure.
It wasn’t always like this — in tribes and extended families, proximity diffused across many people. Modern life compresses it into the nuclear unit. No diffusion, no relief. You live in a pressure cooker.
2) The Slow Death of Sexual Novelty
Stay with someone long enough, and you’ll stop fantasizing about them. Some make peace with it. Others try to “spice things up” — lingerie, role-play, hotel weekends. But sooner than you thought, these tricks stop working.
The truth is — we get excited by novelty. That is why sex shops sell all kinds of lingerie and costumes in the first place. We are masquerading as somebody else for our partner. But it’s a feeble substitute.
So we reach for porn, the fast food of sex — quick, easy, cheap, ultimately unsatisfying. Or we resent our partner in silence. The result: sexless marriages, or sex that feels like a chore.
The problem is that our ideal of lifelong sexual monogamy is highly unrealistic. While there are a few species that pair bond for life, there are virtually none that are truly sexually exclusive. It’s fair to say that humans don’t score high in either category.
Novelty attracts because it should — it’s nature’s way of making sure your genes spread wide. When we try to go against that programming, pain tends to follow.
3) Soulmate Propaganda
We’re raised on soulmate propaganda. The One will complete you. Your partner will be your lover, best friend, co-parent, therapist, creative sparring partner, and spiritual twin — with a compatible sleep schedule and identical taste in olives.
It’s a comforting myth and a brutal setup. No one can carry that weight. The truth we don’t want to hear: You are ultimately responsible for your own happiness. Your partner can contribute; they cannot be the entire solution. When we outsource our inner work, we punish the person who can’t possibly deliver.
4) Biological Differences That Make Us Uneasy
It’s fashionable to claim that men and women are basically the same and any perceived differences are due to “social construction.”
That’s nonsense — as anyone who has ever undergone any kind of hormone therapy can attest.
If I have a lot of testosterone in my system and you have a lot of estrogen in your system, we will perceive the world differently. These are lenses you can never fully take off.
This leads to judgment. At some point, every one of us has caught ourselves thinking: "These idiotic men…" or "These crazy women…"
We struggle with accepting that both the male and the female perspective are equally important, like the two sides of a coin. Instead, we impose our own view as the only valid one.
5) Children: The Great Attention Shift
The moment you have children, a lot of your attention shifts from your partner to your offspring. Inevitably, the original relationship is deprioritized.
In most instances, women will shift their attention to the child more radically than men, and there are sound biological reasons for that (prenatal connection, breastfeeding, etc.).
However, there is also an element of pleasure. If I have to choose between the same old relationship with my partner and the new, exciting relationship with my newborn, the latter wins. There is much more emotional excitement to be had.
This is the cliché moment when he starts screwing the secretary while she is at home taking care of the baby. She feels betrayed, but so does he. They used to look at each other as their sources of emotional stimulation — now they are both getting it from somewhere else.
Coping Mechanisms: How We Live With the Mess
Once the relationship mess has set in, most people don’t address it. Instead, they manage it.
We work late. We get obsessed with hobbies. We binge-watch Netflix, drink more wine, scroll porn. We tell ourselves: “This is just how relationships go. Sex isn’t that important anyway. Passion is for young people.”
And if we have kids, we pour everything into them. It’s the most noble-sounding distraction of all. It is noble. But when all purpose is redirected to parenting, the couple relationship quietly withers.
Coping plus rationalizing — this is where most non-divorced couples end up.
What Actually Helps
There are no universal fixes. A lot of it comes down to pain tolerance. For example, are you willing to allow for sexual experiences outside the relationship? Some couples can deal with it, others not.
However, there is one practice that helps almost everyone: Name the pain — and name it to your partner.
Not passive-aggressively, but as two detectives solving a case.
Why it works:
Secrecy is pressure. Attention and language release that pressure.
Naming the pain removes isolation. Even if nothing factually changes, you’re no longer alone in the dark.
It reframes the fight. It’s not you vs. me; it’s us vs. the problem.
How To Have the Conversation
Here is what “naming the pain” actually looks like:
Check energy levels. Don’t have this talk when one of you is exhausted or stressed. You wouldn’t run a marathon on no sleep — same principle.
Switch from blaming to investigating: “I’m not here to win; I’m here to understand.” This is the reframe that changes everything. You are two explorers charting the relationship landscape, with all its strange features.
Say the hard thing. Don’t blame, but don’t cushion either. “I’ve had a crush on someone else for three months.” “I wonder if we married too early.” “I rarely come during sex anymore.” Calm, but honest. Otherwise, there will be no relief.
Let go of outcome. The goal isn’t to fix everything. It’s mutual understanding: “You’re different from me. I won’t change you. But I can understand you.”
Ask, don’t assume. She might be into that kinky thing. He might want to talk about feelings but doesn’t know how. Don’t assume — open your mouth.
Question what’s normal. In the Middle Ages, kids were adults at 12–14. In Victorian England, showing your ankles was scandalous. In some Muslim cultures, men marry multiple wives. The Mosuo let women pick multiple lovers. My point: Cultural norms are arbitrary. Your relationship should be about what works for you two. Screw society.
Time-box it. These conversations are draining. Start with 30–60 minutes, hard limit. You can always continue later.
Repeat. Relief fades without maintenance. In my experience, the minimum effective dose is once a month. Put it in your calendar: “Monthly Relief Convo.”
Conclusion
Our highest hopes rest on our relationships. The worst we can do is let them fail in silence.
There are no cookie-cutter solutions here. The relationship mess is universal, the answers are not. But one move helps almost everyone: Name the pain. Share it with the person you chose.
You may still disagree about proximity, about novelty, about roles and needs. But you’ll stop suffering alone. The pain recedes when you look at it together.
I still haven't replied to some of the messages I got after the last newsletter. I'll do so soon. It was just hectic. Still getting set up here in Bulgaria plus more coaching clients; good problems to have, for sure. In any case, I would still love to hear about your experiences with the relationship mess — or the lack thereof. Shoot me a message! I will (eventually) reply.
Talk soon,
Niels