How To Be Asocial — On Purpose

I was talking to a friend about the causes of sleep deprivation today. We agreed that the biggest issue is keeping a regular sleeping schedule.

Going to bed at the same time works okayish during the week. But as soon as Friday comes around, all reason goes out the window: “It's the weekend! Let’s get drinks!”

So, you stay up late and sleep in. But when the alarm goes off on Monday at 6 am, you start to regret your weekend choices. You then take most of the week to recover and become somewhat productive again — until Friday hits: “It's the weekend! Let’s get drinks!”

Wash, rinse, repeat.

This is not a newsletter about sleep, though. What I am getting at is the lure of social gatherings. This could be a night out, getting wasted. It could be a major gossiping session at Starbucks. It could also be the family brunch that goes on for five hours.

The common theme here is — you are wallowing in social warmth while accomplishing nothing. It feels nice while it's happening, but already on your walk home, you cannot help but wonder: "What did I do today?"

Don't get me wrong — there is a time and place for being social. Having a long walk with your best friend. Meeting up with an important mentor. Being intimate with your lover. Without social interactions, you will fall ill, mentally and/or physically. So, I'm not arguing for becoming a hermit.

But drinks after work at Applebee's? Not the same thing. Yet, we still go. Why is that?

Because we need an outlet. We need to compensate for a life that is mostly dictated by others— your boss, spouse, or parents. If others are in charge of your life most of the time, you at least want to cut loose on the weekends. And you want to do so with people who are in the same boat as you. Misery loves company.

But if you give into the siren call of mindless socializing, nothing will ever change. On the contrary, your socializing will enable your “oppressors.” You will more happily be a good sheep again on Monday.

So, how do you get out of this vicious cycle?

Admitting the problem instead of marginalizing it is the first step. It’s okay to hate your job or relationship situation. Most everybody else does too.

The next step is to cultivate your asocial behavior. No more Applebee's, at least for a while. This way, you gain some much-needed extra time. And you need that time to make fundamental changes, e.g., starting a passion business or learning how to talk to strangers.

Once these changes bear fruit, the artificial separation of weekdays vs. weekends will dissolve. You will want to work on your thing every day, as it’s so deeply satisfying. It’s almost midnight here in Germany (I go to bed at 1 am), and I feel more excited about sending out this newsletter than about painting the town red. Find your thing, and it will be like this for you too.

But it starts with saying no to other people. And that will be tough. Others will try to guilt-trip you, count on it. “This is not how you treat friends!” But we aren't friends. We are just comrades in misery. I say that without hate — I've been the company-seeking comrade many times myself. But it has to stop.

Mindlessly being social is what everybody is doing, with all the predictable results. To be different, you must do the opposite.

I am leaving for Thailand on October 1st. I got the new 5-year digital nomad visa, excited about that. I hope they soon create the same type of visa for Bali. This way, I could go back and forth; the dry seasons complement each other. We’ll see.

Until next time,

Niels