How To Not Let Things Bother You

I used to get upset a lot. One tiny incident — an argument, some tool not working — and my whole day would be ruined. Here is how I got over it.

I.

The first thing to understand is the real cost of getting upset. We tend to marginalize such nuisances. But in truth, they hurt us massively.

Each day, you get a limited amount of mental energy to spend as you see fit. Once that energy is used up, you are done for the day. You have to wait for the next day to be productive again.

Each annoying incident, each confrontation eats into that energy budget. By puffing yourself up, you lose out on the truly important tasks.

Just imagine how much mental bandwidth you have already wasted on pointless arguments so far in your life.

Now imagine you would have used that mental energy to get fit or to start that passion business.

You would be ripped by now. You would have quit your 9 to 5 years ago.

Trying to not let things bother you is not about becoming a modern-day saint. It's about smart energy management.

II.

Know your stressors — and avoid them.

If you know Aunt Lily always gets to you, simply don't attend the family dinner.

If you know colleague X is a schemer, don't volunteer for a project with them.

Always have a readymade excuse. Lie if you have to. "Sorry, can't do that, I am already busy with X." Confronted with energy vampires, that is justified.

III.

One of my main stressors is noise.

The loud couple at the table next to mine. The noisy American tourists in the apartment on top of me.

But there is no point in starting an argument. Inconsiderate people are not suddenly starting to see sense. You are just going to waste more energy in the process.

It's much better to take full responsibility for yourself.

For me, that means never leaving the house without my excellent noise-canceling headphones. I could be in a war zone and still be productive.

Likewise, I never travel without some noise masking device for sleeping. In the past, I used the Bose Sleepbuds, but they were discontinued (battery problems).

Now, I use extra soft foam plugs for sleeping, in combination with a little boom box that plays nature sounds all night (to further mask background noises).

Works just as well as the Bose solution, but costs $20 instead of $250.

IV.

Never hate.

It's tempting to look down upon others for wasting your energy. But it's not a good idea.

First, by engaging in negativity — even if you don't voice it — you are still letting yourself be distracted. They are winning, you are losing.

Second, in many cases, the other person is not doing it on purpose. They are simply unaware.

Third, just like other people are unaware of being annoying, realize that you are also being unconsciously annoying to somebody.

The best mental model I have found to calm myself down is to think of annoying people like the sun or the rain. They are simply part of life. They have been around since the beginning of time and will be around until it all ends.

Why would I try to fight that?

V.

Despite your best planning and your best intentions, sometimes, you will still get upset.

If that happens, have an emotional first aid kit ready, i.e., a list of activities that reliably calm you down.

For me, taking a walk in nature is one such activity.

Calling a level-headed friend and discussing the incident with them is another one.

Reading a classic is a third. A few pages of Dostoevsky or Goethe usually do the trick. By exposing myself to their contemplative ways, whatever had triggered me before soon fades into the background.

Another long newsletter. I'll try to make the next one shorter. As always, I am looking forward to your replies/comments!

Niels