How We Support Each Other's Weaknesses—And How To Stop

We observe certain weak spots in our lovers and friends that we are not allowed to mention. Why is that? Let's find out.

I.

We all have places in which we don't want to be touched.

For example, I have always disliked being reminded by my lovers how emotionally distant I can be. I rarely get angry, but this triggers me.

Another example. I have a friend who is very sensitive and can't take feedback. If you tell him anyway, he will react hurt and break off contact.

Every person has these no-go topics.

II.

Everybody thinks they are the exception. "I don't have any no-go topics. You can talk to me about anything!"

It's not true — you have them, too. You are just not aware of them.

What we easily notice in others, we are blind to in ourselves.

III.

What we do in relationships is that we enter into these unspoken agreements. "You don't touch me in my sensitive spot, and I won't touch you in your sensitive spot."

The longer a relationship goes on, the more these agreements harden. Eventually, they become sacrosanct.

Now, when a friend or lover of many years suddenly says something about your no-go area, you react outraged. They have broken the contract.

IV.

This is one of the reasons why it is so essential to learn how to talk to strangers.

With new people, there is no contract yet. We are still setting up the rules.

That means there is more flexibility. For example, if you meet someone that you find very attractive, but they have a way of commenting on your sensitive spots, you might put up with it. You might even start considering what they are saying.

You give them more leeway because it's a new day and a new game. You would never do so with most people you already know.

V.

Therapists and coaches have to deal with the same dynamic. If they just straight out tell a client about their sensitive spot, "Listen, you have deficit X, and it is ruining your life," the client might spin on their heel and be out the door. Nothing is won this way.

What therapists and coaches must do is that they push, but only up to a certain point, to where the client can still take it. Then they let the client catch up. Then they push a little bit further.

They are chipping away at the barriers that the client has built around his no-go areas. And that takes time. They must use a hammer and a chisel, not a wrecking ball.

I am still in sunny Thailand, enjoying the sea view from my apartment (not to make you jealous, or anything). The last weeks have been a lot of work, both for the coaching business and my marketing agency. So, a great view, but not much splashing around in the sea yet. But the progress on the business side is there.

Anyway. Let me know if you have any questions or comments. I still need to reply to some messages, which will happen eventually — promise. I appreciate your feedback.

Until next week,

Niels