When To Lie — And When To Tell the Truth

In this newsletter, I would like to talk about our relationship with the truth. Let's dive right in!

I.

There are two types of lies we tell.

We lie to others, to get something or to avoid confrontations. I call these social lies.

And we lie to ourselves, to justify our laziness and our fears. I call these self-lies.

As a rule of thumb, self-lies are way more destructive than social lies.

II.

Some examples of social lies:

We smile at someone, even though we don't like them (that annoying colleague, that nosy relative).

We pretend to be excited about a position during a job interview, even though we just need the money.

On a first date, we present this perfect version of ourselves even though that version is a far cry from our everyday self.

Social lies, to an extent, are justified.

If we constantly told the truth to the people around us, we would get hung up in one fight after another. We would accomplish very little.

III.

Some examples of self-lies:

"I drink a bit much but it's under control" (when you are an alcoholic).

"I prefer working with people over theoretical work" (when you lack focus).

"I am too nice, that's why women don't like me" (when you are a pushover).

Self-lies are self-destructive.

The more self-lies you allow into your life, the more constrained you will feel. Every new self-lie adds another brick to your prison cell.

But work on removing these self-lies, and you will set yourself free.

IV.

The first step is to admit that you are a liar — both a social liar and a liar to yourself.

Becoming aware of how you lie to others is a huge step forward. Now, at least with yourself, you are being honest.

With self-lies, the best thing you can do is to assume that they exist (rest assured, they do).

But you cannot know them (not yet). You don't know what you don't know.

V.

If you meet someone who truly thinks they don't lie, run for the hills. They are the worst liars of all.

VI.

To discover your self-lies, you need someone else. What we are blind to is obvious to others.

Relationships can be great for that. Your partner will mirror your delusions back to you. And in that close a setting, you won't be able to escape them.

Therapy or coaching are other great options.

VII.

With your social lies, you have to make a choice.

You can choose the path of least resistance, i.e., lie. And oftentimes, it is justified to avoid pointless arguments.

But you can also choose to tell the truth in moments when it matters, with people who might be worth it.

The latter option holds the bigger risk. Often, you will miscalibrate. The other person didn't want to hear the truth after all. Now the relationship is damaged.

But it also holds the greater rewards. Which brings me to my next point.

VIII.

Telling the truth to somebody is the ultimate connection builder. If you can show yourself as you are to somebody — in your whole twistedness — that somebody becomes irreplaceable.

What they offer is relief. It's like the two of you live on an island where no clothes are required. What you see is what you get.

This is also the reason why breakups can hit us so hard. Now, the one person we could be naked with (literally and figuratively) has left the island.

IX.

Social media has taken lying to a new level. Just look at how people curate their lives on Instagram. Everybody is constantly working out, at the beach, and surrounded by cool people.

But social media can also be used to leverage the truth in never-before-seen ways.

If you dare to show yourself as you are — controversial ideas and all — you can now be found by other contrarians from all around the world. I can tell you from experience — when that happens, it's the greatest feeling in the world.

Risk ridiculment. Put yourself out there.

There are so many more things I would like to say about the truth, but this newsletter has gotten too long as it is. As always, feel free to reach out and let me know your thoughts. Thanks for reading.

Until next week,

Niels