You Are Who You Surround Yourself With

When we want to succeed at something, we look at everything — strategy, tools, training plans, etc.

But we rarely consider how much the people around us contribute to (or deduct from) our success.

The truth is — you are who you surround yourself with. To get where we want, we must consciously pick our environment. It is the soil from which all personal growth springs.

Let's look at how that works.

I.

There are vast differences in what people consider “normal.”

When I was 20, I attended a week-long workshop with legendary guitar virtuoso Tony MacAlpine.

I thought I was prepared. I had taken lessons for a few years as a child and rediscovered the guitar three years ago. Since then, I had been diligently practicing for at least two hours a day.

When I got there, every single attendee was better than me.

Most of these kids had been practicing nonstop for 10+ years. When I asked them how much they were currently practicing, it turned out some of them were putting in as many as six hours per day.

I felt like a fool. I had completely misjudged the amount of work necessary to become a professional.

It made me rethink my entire approach to practice. Post-workshop, I became even more focused. I went up to 4 hours each day, studied music theory on top of that, and regularly met up with better players.

Over the next 12 months, I improved considerably, simply because I had adapted a new baseline. The guitar prodigies at the workshop had reshaped what I considered “normal.”

II.

The wildest dream of lethargic Larry is to retire a few years early and move to Florida (and he might not even accomplish that).

Ambitious Amber, on the other hand, is well on her way to growing her social media audience to one million followers and getting 6-figure brand deals.

If you hang out with the Larrys of this world, you are likely to adapt to their closed-off mindset.

If you hang out with the Ambers of this world, you will question your narrowmindedness. Why have these people already accomplished so much? Why do they keep progressing? And why is it not happening to me?

It will spur you into action.

III.

As a society, we frown upon being strategic about friendship and love. Things are supposed to happen naturally, without expecting any return on investment.

That’s a mistake.

Understand – if you don’t get with the right people, there will be a price to pay.

Spend time around the wrong people, and your business is more likely to fail.

Date the wrong person, and you might get stuck in a miserable marriage for decades.

Socialize with the wrong folk, and you will develop unhealthy habits like drinking or smoking, effectively cutting your life short.

You can go on buying into Disney fantasies about love and friendship and potentially destroy yourself. Or, you can look at reality as it is — a social ladder — and strategically stack the odds in your favor.

IV.

You cannot go around demanding that high-value people should be hanging out with you if you are of low value to others.

All relationships are a kind of business deal. You provide certain goods — e.g., your wit, beauty, know-how, etc. — and in return, the other person provides certain goods — e.g., resources, understanding, a sense of humor, etc.

If both parties are somewhat close in value, it will be a fair, pleasurable exchange.

But if one person’s value is a 4 and the other person’s value is an 8, there is no deal. Rightfully, the 8 will stay away from the 4, as they are not getting anything out of the exchange.

To surround yourself with high-value people, you need to improve your own value first. Look at your strengths, then improve them to a point where it becomes impossible to ignore you. Never blame others for ignoring you.

V.

You cannot exchange your current group of low-value friends for high-value friends overnight. It doesn't work that way.

Instead, you need to gradually improve your own value to attract higher-value people along the way. In turn, these people will make you better.

During the next iteration, you are now able to attract even better people. And these in turn will make you even better.

It's a spiral movement. You work your way up through the social levels.

VI.

We are surrounded by billions of people on this planet.

Yet most of us live in a prison made of glass. We can see other people walking by, but our paths never cross. You are over there, I am over here — forever strangers.

It’s insanity. How many people have you let walk by that would have enriched your life beyond your wildest dreams? As friends. As lovers. As business partners. As customers.

If you want to be surrounded by the best, it’s your job to change that.

Wherever you go, talk to strangers. Be nice. Lead with value. Never take rejection personally, but learn from it.

Also, be patient. You need to go through hundreds, if not thousands of people, to find a handful of outliers. It’s just like cold calling in business — quality clients are rare, but they are worth it.

This is how you take the social spiral to new heights.

My last month in Thailand has begun. I will fly back to Germany on April 10th. I enjoy it so much here, but I am also looking forward to the European spring in the countryside. It's gorgeous. There is a certain footpath through the vineyards that I always take at night; I miss it like a person.

Until next week,

Niels