You Can't Change Other People—And Why That Is a Good Thing

We all try to influence the people in our lives to behave in a certain way. But it doesn't work — you can't change people. The sooner you make peace with that fact, the happier you will be.

I.

Ask yourself: “When did I last observe someone change their ways because someone else — a friend, a family member, a lover — wanted them to?”

Most likely, the answer is, “Never.”

People might act like they changed to please another person. They might even be coerced or manipulated into doing something against their will.

But it never lasts. When someone behaves in a way that is incongruent with who they are, there will eventually be a clash.

II.

No two people are ever the same.

Only you have experienced what you have experienced. This leads to certain learnings about life, which are uniquely yours. These learnings are called your “values.”

You cannot overrule someone else’s values. If you try to, you are effectively imposing a belief system on them that doesn’t match their life experiences.

It’s like telling a fish to get out of the water and be a bird. How could they? It goes against everything they know to be true.

III.

When we coerce or manipulate people into doing what we want, we violate their boundaries of self. We take the liberty to play god with their innermost sanctum.

People will rightfully resent you if you do so, even if your intention was to help them.

If you keep doing so, you will destroy whatever relationship is in front of you.

IV.

Some people can change for the better, and when it happens, it is one of the most beautiful things in the world.

But they will change of their own accord when they are ready to change — not when you want them to.

They must own the change. Only then will it last.

V.

Instead of fixating on the shortcomings of others, radically focus on yourself.

Don’t place your happiness on other people’s ability to change. Place it on your ability to improve yourself. You are the only person on this planet you can truly control.

Ironically, by improving yourself, you become a role model, a beacon. Other people pondering change will notice you and ask you for advice.

Unintentionally, you stoked the flame that was already there.

VI.

Am I against helping others? Absolutely not. After all, I help people with achieving their goals for a living.

But the key is that all my clients decided themselves that change was necessary. I didn't make them do anything. They took the first step and contacted me.

And even during the coaching process, I try to not impose my own values and problem-solving strategies on them too much. Sure, I will make suggestions. But they are in the driver's seat. They decide where we are traveling to.

When you adopt this attitude, helping others becomes a joy. You stop pushing your own agenda and help others accomplish their agenda. People appreciate that.

Another newsletter in the books! Next week when I write you, I will already be in sunny Thailand. I decided to travel to SEA for 6 months or so, as I am not a fan of the German winter. It gets "kalt!"

Until next week,

Niels