Has your relationship gone flat?
Over time, people lose their sexual edge in relationships. Instead of emphasizing their attractive differences, they start to accommodate each other.
It feels comfortable, but it also kills off any desire.
Learn about the different types of sexual energies, and what strategies you can employ to revamp your current relationship.
What Is Relationship Polarity?
Relationship polarity refers to the different sexual energies that each party brings to a relationship. Generally speaking, there is masculine energy and there is feminine energy.
It works like two magnets. If there are opposite energies present — plus and minus, male and female, yin and yang — there will be mutual sexual attraction.
In essence, we sexually desire that which we are not.
But if only one energy is present and the other is missing, sexual attraction goes out the window. For example, if a feminine woman ends up with a feminine man, they might get along great, but they will not tear each other’s clothes off.
Another issue is when people are not congruent with their chosen energy. This is often due to societal expectations.
Women are now encouraged to act more masculine — to be more aggressive and goal-oriented. And men are encouraged to embrace their feminine side — to collaborate and seek balance.
But this can ruin sexual dynamics. If you just act out a progressive ideal because you feel like you should, nobody will feel aroused.
How Time Plays Into It
There is a temporal aspect to relationship polarity. During the early stages of a relationship, the polarity tends to be stronger; there is more sexual tension between the two partners.
But the longer a sexual relationship goes on, the more the spark dies.
It is the conundrum of every relationship. What initially attracted you to each other — the differences, the “other” — over time becomes a nuisance.
For example, she might initially have adored his ambition. But the longer the relationship goes on, the more it bothers her. His fixation on his career or his athletic endeavors is so strong that she feels neglected by him.
Likewise, he might have been crazy about her female spontaneity in the beginning. But the longer they stay together, the more it bugs him. How she can never make a plan and stick to it?
So, we learn to accommodate each other.
He dials down his extreme focus and spends more time with her doing couples activities. That gives her a sense of connectedness.
In turn, she adopts a certain structure. She starts to plan out her weeks, to stick to a routine. This makes it easier for him to be around her.
These mutual compromises create contentment. And that feels good. We become a well-honed tandem.
But in the process, we kill the spark. It’s a slow, gradual death so that we hardly notice it at first; but it always happens. What was once a hot sexual mess turns into a friendship.
Eventually, most of us come to wish for how it used to be.
The Role of Gender
Masculine and feminine energies do not necessarily coincide with gender.
For example, in same-sex relationships, there is often one party acting more masculine and another party acting more feminine. Gay men call this top-bottom and lesbians refer to this as a butch-femme dynamic.
Therefore, it can be useful to replace the words “masculine energy” and “feminine energy” in your head with other words. Call them “A energy” and “B energy.” It will help you to disassociate these energies from gender.
That being said, there is a certain correlation between your gender and the accompanying sexual energy. Statistically, women will more often lean toward the feminine end of the spectrum while men will lean more toward the masculine end of the spectrum.
We can argue all day and night if that is due to biology or socialization.
Personally, I think there is a genetic component. But I am also convinced that we are free to rebel against our biological makeup (to an extent).
Why the Dichotomy Falls Short
Relationship polarity is usually presented as a dichotomy.
Here is an example:
| Male Energy | Female Energy |
| All about achievement | All about connection |
| In their head | In their body |
| Calculating | Nurturing |
| Fixated on the future | Fully present in the moment |
| Driven by logic | Driven by emotions |
| Wants to be appreciated for their skills | Wants to be appreciated for their essence |
| Analytical | Intuitive |
| Independence | Interdependence |
| Wants to ravish | Wants to be ravished |
But it’s not that simple.
These comparisons are not per se wrong. But they are too general. There is not just “one” male energy, just like there is not just “one” female energy.
In truth, we are dealing with at least six distinct basic archetypes, three on the male and three on the female side.
Here is what that looks like:
The Three Male Archetypes
There are at least three different male sexual archetypes, each with their own flavor of masculine energy:
- The provider. The provider is concerned with taking care of his family. He is a hard worker, reliable, and normally easy to get along with. But if pushed, he will resort to violence to defend his loved ones.
- The aggressor. Where the provider only turns dangerous when provoked, violence is the aggressor’s default. His physicality is very attractive to women, but his lack of intellectual depth can also be a turnoff.
- The hero. Like the aggressor, the hero emanates strength. But unlike the aggressor, he has a moral compass. Violence is a means to an end, to protect those who cannot protect themselves. In that, he is similar to the provider.
The Three Female Archetypes
There are three corresponding female archetypes, each with their own female energy:
- The good girl. She is the soft and nurturing type. Like the provider, she wants to take care of somebody — her family, her man, her cats. Men often describe her as “sweet” and “innocent”. She appeals to weak men, as they can feel strong next to her.
- The femme fatale. The femme fatale unapologetically flaunts her sexual charms to get what she wants. There is nothing innocent about her. She is self-confident, headstrong, and pleasure-seeking. Men are her plaything.
- The trophy wife. She is sexually attractive like the femme fatale. But unlike her, she will only be a “whore” with one man. This man she will carefully choose, based on what he can give her. Once she does, she can also show her girlish, innocent side.
Crossing Over
To make matters even more interesting, you can combine each of the three male energies with each of the three female energies — and vice versa.
I refer to this process as “crossing over.” You are adopting a certain energy “from the other side” and adding it to your base energy.
As a result, you end up with nine masculine and nine female hybrids.
The 9 masculine hybrids:
| Provider + Good Girl | Aggressor + Good Girl | Hero + Good Girl |
| Provider + Femme Fatal | Aggressor + Femme Fatal | Hero + Femme Fatal |
| Provider + Trophy Wife | Aggressor + Trophy Wife | Hero + Trophy Wife |
The 9 feminine hybrids:
| Good Girl + Provider | Femme Fatale + Provider | Trophy Wife + Provider |
| Good Girl + Aggressor | Femme Fatale + Aggressor | Trophy Wife + Aggressor |
| Good Girl + Hero | Femme Fatale + Hero | Trophy Wife + Hero |
The 9 Masculine Hybrids Explained
Here is a quick overview of the 9 male hybrids.
| Type | Characteristics | Example |
| Provider + Good Girl | You are strong and dependable, but also in touch with your soft, caring side. Family is your anchor point. | Liam Neeson |
| Provider + Femme Fatal | You are seemingly conservative but then surprise everybody with your clever raunchiness. | Ricky Gervais |
| Provider + Trophy Wife | You are a loveable goofball who endearingly paints himself as the prize. | Jack Black |
| Type | Characteristics | Example |
| Aggressor + Good Girl | You go from being a cold killer to a delicate plant in an instant. | James Gandolfini as Tony Soprano |
| Aggressor + Femme Fatal | You combine both male aggression and unbridled feminine sexuality into an androgynous beast. | The young Marilyn Manson |
| Aggressor + Trophy Wife | You are a dangerous maniac who must be seen as the greatest of all time. | Conor McGregor |
| Type | Characteristics | Example |
| Hero + Good Girl | You are so self-possessed, you come across as aloof; but once you open up, you become very caring. | Keanu Reeves |
| Hero + Femme Fatal | You are a bit of a Renaissance man, but you hide it behind outrageous flamboyance. | Russell Brand |
| Hero + Trophy Wife | You want to be a superhero but for the praise. | Tom Cruise |
The 9 Feminine Hybrids Explained
Here is a quick overview of the 9 male hybrids.
| Type | Characteristics | Example |
| Good Girl + Provider | The people close to you appreciate both your care and your hands-on mentality. | The Cinderella character |
| Good Girl + Aggressor | You are a lioness; you treat your cubs with tenderness but will tear any attacker to pieces. | Molly from “Peaky Blinders” |
| Good Girl + Hero | You are deeply caring and will fight for the less privileged. | Julia Roberts in “Erin Brockovich“ |
| Type | Characteristics | Example |
| Femme Fatale + Provider | You indulge in your sexuality but also use it as a tool to help others. | Tania Raymonde as Brittany Gold in “Goliath” |
| Femme Fatale + Aggressor | You switch from being an object of desire to a cold-blooded killer in an instant. | Famke Janssen as “Kseniya Onatopp” in “GoldenEye” |
| Femme Fatale + Hero | You are a sex symbol who will stand up for the right cause. | Marlene Dietrich |
| Type | Characteristics | Example |
| Trophy Wife + Provider | You are picky about who you associate with but take great care of them once you have chosen. | Sofía Vergara in “Modern Family“ |
| Trophy Wife + Aggressor | You are special and will punish those who don’t treat you as special. | Naomi Campbell |
| Trophy Wife + Hero | You are sexy and caring while fighting to make the world a better place. | Michelle Obama |
If we take all these permutations into account, we end up with 18 hybrid archetypes. So, in total, we are looking at 24 different sexual energies (18 hybrids plus the 6 base archetypes).
This is why most explanations of relationship polarity fall short — they ignore this complexity. They turn 24 nuances into a black-or-white thing.
The Rule of Equivalents
The rule of equivalents states that the highest level of sexual attraction will exist between corresponding archetypes.
For example, a true femme fatale will feel most drawn toward an aggressor type (“bad boy”). The aggressor mirrors and complements her own tendencies.
Likewise, a provider type will be most attracted to a “good girl” as they have the strongest overlap in values.
This rule also holds true for the hybrids.
I mentioned the young Marilyn Manson earlier as an example of the “aggressor + femme fatale” crossover. Not coincidentally, the most stable relationship he ever had was with burlesque dancer Dita von Tesse, who has a strong femme fatale base with aggressive male overtones, as displayed by her fetish performances.
How Does Depolarity Happen?
There are four reasons why sexual relationships become depolarized.
1. Ignoring Your Base
In the past, your sexual energy was determined by your gender. As a woman, you were supposed to have feminine energy. As a man, you were supposed to exude masculine energy.
These rules have come under scrutiny. Many women are now raised to be independent, decisive, and driven — all traits traditionally considered to be masculine.
Likewise, many Western boys are being encouraged to get in touch with their feelings. They are told that being vulnerable is a good thing. Cooperation is emphasized over competition.
I believe there are many advantages to this way of thinking. But it is also true that any time you try to outfox biology, there will be a price to pay. Sexual dissatisfaction in your relationship is one of them.
When a masculine-acting woman gets with a feminine-acting man, there is technically a polarity. But often, this polarity is not appreciated by either side. It’s not in sync with their genetic makeup.
Relatively soon into the relationship, the woman will start realizing what a mama’s boy he is. He is timid, he is indecisive, and if push comes to shove, he cannot protect you. It does not matter how much you are intellectually convinced of your progressive ideals — if he is weak, you won’t respect him. And if you don’t respect him, he will not get you going in the bedroom.
It’s a similar story for men. Intellectually, you might admire her independence and her drive; but without the feminine touch, it won’t get you fantasizing.
Don’t get me wrong. We can appreciate a mix of energies in our partners. For example, I have always looked for certain masculine qualities in my female partners. Being a male-female hybrid myself, I require a hybrid to feel sexually satisfied.
The problem is not with mixing energies; the problem is that we deny our genetic bases. Many men now adopt female behaviors without developing a male base first. Likewise, many women only cultivate their male energy but neglect their female base.
That is what kills polarity.
2. Attrition
If there is a mismatch of sexual energies to start with, it will get worse over time.
The woman, to confirm her suspicions about her man (and also in vain hopes of changing him) will test him at every turn of the relationship. This makes her appear even more masculine than she already is.
But her hope of her man standing up to her will be disappointed. Instead, the feminine, appeasing man will take the path of least resistance. He will try to sidestep all arguments.
This in turn provokes the woman even further and intensifies her masculine aggression towards him. And he in turn will ramp up his eluding behavior.
The longer this goes on, the more sexual desire dissipates between the two parties.
3. Stress
The more stress you experience, the more you take on the opposite sexual energy.
Let’s say you are a strong, masculine man, always taking care of your loved ones. Everybody is happy to rely on you.
But, then one day, the absolute worst happens — you lose someone dear to you, maybe a child.
Overnight, you grumble. Your self-assurance is gone. You have no more strength to offer.
Instead, you want to be held. You want someone to make everything right again.
Extreme stress has extinguished your masculine energy.
A less dire example. A soft, feminine-acting woman is suddenly put in a highly stressful environment. Maybe she just got promoted to a C-level position and is struggling with her new tasks.
As the pressure keeps mounting, she starts resorting to more masculine behaviors. She becomes curt, even harsh.
As our world gets faster and faster, this is bound to get worse.
I remember watching a documentary about female sex tourism in Egypt. One of the boy toys pointed out, “Western men are so stressed out, they have no time to be men. We might not have as many luxuries as you have, but here in Egypt, we have time. That’s why your women come to us.”
The macho attitude notwithstanding, he probably had a point. Stress is killing sexual polarity in the West.
4. Oscillation
Sexual energy is not static. Throughout different stages of our lives, we oscillate back and forth.
Female Oscillation
Let’s say there is a young girl with a “good girl” energy. She loves her dolls and playing house.
But as she grows older, she is told by her mother to become more independent and act more assertively. Oftentimes, that’s because the mother has been hurt by men and wants to spare her daughter the same fate.
So the girl complies.
During her teenage years, though, the young woman realizes that her feminine-acting friends get all the attention of the boys, while she gets none. So, she starts modifying her behavior again, to be seen by the jocks and to fit in with the popular girls.
The next big change might occur in academia or in the workforce. Some women, especially those focused on their careers, now opt for a more masculine energy. It makes it easier for them to be taken seriously, instead of being reduced to a pretty face.
Finding your long-term mate to have kids with is an incentive to be more feminine again. You want to score the best “deal” you can. So, you ramp up the polarity again.
But maybe it doesn’t work out with your husband and you go through a painful divorce. Now you turn more masculine again, to better deal with the pain.
And so we keep oscillating back and forth.
Male Oscillation
With men, the same thing happens.
Let’s say there is a boy with a naturally boyish energy. He might like to play soldiers, get his hands dirty, get in play fights, etc.
But many of these boys are told by their parents to tone it down, to be a “good boy.” Don’t be loud, be measured. Don’t build pillow forts, practice the piano.
The boy’s purpose is to please mommy. She wants you to be the man that your father was not, an ideal, surrogate husband.
But that is not what gets you the attention of the pretty girls. So, in high school, our boy might decide to join the football team or start a punk band. Anything to be noticed.
However, once the young man enters academia or the workplace, he has to reevaluate again. Businesses these days are highly concerned with being non-offensive. So, to get ahead, he decides to tone down the bro behavior.
Starting a relationship with a desirable woman will bring out the masculine energy again, to appear more attractive. He wants to make the best deal possible.
But then getting left by that woman, he might react sensitively, even wimpy.
And so our boy keeps oscillating back and forth, just like our hypothetical girl.
Examples of Depolarizing
So, what do depolarized relationships look like? Here are some typical behaviors.
Her:
- (In the car) “Do you know where you are going?”
- (When he is repairing something) “We should call a repair person.”
- (When talking about his goals) “Well, maybe it’s time to grow up.”
- “Can you do anything right?”
Him:
- “I don’t think you have the figure for this dress.”
- “Well, Jessica is more the caring type.” (implying that you are not)
- “Let’s order takeout before you set the kitchen on fire.”
- “Porn just helps me to relax.” (implying he cannot relax with you)
Polarity Creates Other Problems
Many of us desire more sexual polarity in our relationships.
But that comes at a price. When you ramp up the polarity among partners, the mutual understanding goes down.
Take problem-solving in relationships as an example.
“Manly” men, when faced with a problem, will retreat inwards. They will self-isolate until they find a solution to the problem.
“Feminine” women will do the opposite — they will reach out to their social network to get emotional support.
Each of these approaches has its merits. But combined, they cancel each other out.
When a “manly” man and a “feminine” woman have a disagreement, he will now retreat to come up with a solution, while she will try to connect with him even more. The result will be frustrating to both.
All of this is to say — when there is strong polarity, there are bound to be major misunderstandings. Things might be all hot and steamy in the bedroom; but in everyday life, you will often feel like you are living next to an alien.
How To Increase Relationship Polarity
Here is how you can boost sexual polarity in your relationships if you so wish.
1. Know What You Are up Against
There are usually two scenarios for why someone is concerned with sexual polarity:
- You want to improve your current relationship. There was a time when you couldn’t keep your hands off each other. You want that back.
- You can’t seem to attract mates in the first place because your sexual energy is too “flat.” You want to change that.
The first one is the more difficult one.
It is the eternal promise of women’s magazines and couple therapists — “How to spice up your sex life!”
But how often have you actually seen it done? In your immediate circle, how many long-term relationships can you think of that went from, “Things are okay but boring,” to, “We are going at it like rabbits!”?
I would guess zero.
There are three reasons why reversing the polarity of an existing relationship is so difficult.
First, it is hard enough for just one person to change. But for two to change at the same time? Almost impossible.
Second, one person usually wants it more than the other person. One person craves more passion, while the other person is quite fine with how things are.
Third, even if you can get the other person to change, the result will be dissatisfactory.
If your husband of 20 years has always been a wuss, but suddenly adopts a macho attitude, you won’t believe him. It will feel like an act.
There is only one surefire way to reintroduce sexual polarity into a relationship, but it’s a tough one. We’ll discuss that in a second.
If you are in the second group — you are not attracting mates — that’s a bit easier to deal with. You are just responsible for changing your own behavior. That can be done.
2. Open Up Your Relationship
There is only one way to reliably spice up a relationship that has gone flat and that is to introduce new people into the mix.
If you are serious about increasing polarity, you have to open your relationship up.
To start with, it will take pressure off your current relationship.
If you are not getting the sexual vibe you desire from your partner, you can now seek out these thrills somewhere else.
When you do, all the finger-pointing in your current relationship will stop. Instead, you can enjoy the relationship for its benefits, e.g., the comfort it offers.
But even more importantly, by including new people, the polarity in your original relationship will increase too.
When we see how an outsider is having a sexual effect on our partner, it introduces an element of competition.
Before you know it, lovers who haven’t made an effort in years suddenly become invested again. Without even thinking about it, they will access their respective sexual energy to appear more desirable again to you.
Is that to say that ethical non-monogamy will magically remove all relationship problems? Of course not. Where before you were struggling with polarity issues, now you will be struggling with jealousy issues.
It’s a trade-off, not a magic bullet.
3. Reinvent Yourself
Let’s look at the second scenario.
If you are forever single, you must reinvent yourself. You must come up with a sexual energy that plays to your strengths.
This could be the topic of a whole book. But I at least want to make some suggestions that have reliably worked for me and my clients.
First, you should study the spectrum of sexual archetypes, as discussed above, and find out where you fit in.
The tricky part is to assess yourself objectively. We are too close to ourselves.
To remedy this, explain the framework to other people you know. Then ask them where they think you fit in. Do this with enough people and certain patterns will start to emerge.
Once you have narrowed down your own sexual archetype, find role models in your category – actors, celebrities, politicians, etc.
Analyze how these people communicate — their speech patterns, their tone of voice, their body language.
Emulate their behavior. Practice their moves in front of a mirror. Record yourself while doing so, then analyze your recordings.
All of this will help to fine-tune your sexual archetype and make you appear more attractive to strangers.
But that’s only half of it. You must also learn to read other people in real time and understand where they fit in. Only when you can place them correctly will you understand what sexual energy they need from you.
The best way to do so is to talk to attractive strangers every day. By collecting these reference experiences, you will learn to spot who responds positively to your particular energy.
Finally, there are certain activities that will boost your sexual energy in general, no matter what specific archetype you are.
If you desire more male energy, combat sports are one such activity.
Boxing, Muay Thai, Wrestling, BJJ – all of these will help you to develop a masculine edge. They force you to overcome your fear and become comfortable with violence. Practice such a sport for long enough, and it will have a tremendous positive effect on your male presence.
If you desire more feminine energy, from what female friends tell me, creative and expressive pursuits can be great for that. Creating art, acting, dancing, and yoga all come to mind.
Generally speaking, any activity that pulls us into our body — either to overcome a challenge or to express ourselves aesthetically — will increase polarity.