Many people experience this gap — they are in place A but want to get to place B. But they have no idea how to bridge that gap.
Fortunately, there are ways to get unstuck. Adopt the right behaviors, and change will follow.
Learn how to become the person you want to be, why you must seek out challenges, and what crucial role self-awareness plays.
1. Increase Your Self-Awareness
To become the person you want to be, you must get to know yourself first. You must understand who you are, and what motivates you.
The problem — most of us are blind to ourselves. We have never learned to observe what is going on within us. We have been sleepwalking through life.
In this state of oblivion, we cannot choose. One moment, we will run after option A, and the next moment, after option B. Everything seems equally exciting to us.
To overcome this, you must systematically increase your self-awareness. There are four tools to do so:
- Reading
- Journaling
- Therapy/coaching
- Meditation
a) Reading
Reading forces you to take up the viewpoint of somebody else. You will get to know the thought processes of other, more aware individuals. Over time, their more refined perception will rub off on you.
When I am talking about the reading, I am not talking about the new John Grisham. Think the classics of world literature. Think the classics of philosophy. Even some self-help authors can be eye-opening (Harry Browne is a favorite of mine).
b) Journaling
Another great tool to increase self-awareness is journaling. Reflecting on your thoughts in writing will force you to pay closer attention to yourself. Therefore, make journaling a daily habit. 5–10 minutes are all it takes to make progress.
c) Therapy/Coaching
Where you are blind to yourself, an observant outsider will see right through you. Hence, consider working with a therapist or a coach. They will push you to face your delusions. This process will supercharge your self-awareness.
Two tips for getting the most out of this process.
First, try more than one therapist or coach. The first person is rarely the right person. You have to keep shopping around until you find somebody you truly click with; just as with any other type of relationship.
Second, go with someone who pushes you, but just enough. You don’t want them to pamper you. At the same time, they shouldn’t hit you over the head with the truth, or you will crash. They must know how to walk that fine line.
d) Meditation
You can use your conscious mind to become more self-aware. But that is only half of the equation. The other half is to step outside your conscious mind and observe yourself. It is the essence of meditation.
The two — self-analysis and meditation — are often played off against each other. But they are partners, not opposites. The first can give you clarity. And from that clarity springs action. It will help you to accomplish your goals.
But when you are so fixated on evolving, you forget about being. Meditation will fix that. It will pull you back into the now. It will make you appreciate the world around you again.
You need both.
Do the Work
I realize how wishy-washy all of this sounds. You came here to learn about “How to become the person you want to be,” and I am telling you to read, journal, do therapy, and meditate. Could I be any more general?
Also, all of these activities require a lot of time and effort. That is why so many people don’t bother with them. They would rather focus on tangible projects, like landing a good job or finding a partner.
But if you always skip the “ethereal” work, you will eventually hit a ceiling. You won’t be able to realize your full potential.
Stop delaying. To succeed with “How to become the person you want to be,” you must develop self-awareness. It is the great enabler.
2. Pick an Archetype
Whenever you want to transform yourself, it helps to think about archetypes. These are idealized roles passed down to us via cultural narratives. Here are a few examples:
- The entrepreneur. “I want to be this ultra-successful business person, founding the next unicorn startup.”
- The vamp. “I want to be this dangerously attractive woman that men lust after and that other women are jealous of.”
- The gangster. “I want to be this tough guy who is not scared of anyone, but who has everybody scared of him.”
- The kind soul. “I want to be this caring angel, somebody who looks after the less fortunate.”
- The adventurer. “I want to explore the world by myself and have all kinds of unexpected adventures.”
- The artist. “I want to express my innermost thoughts and feelings through my artwork.”
There are many more of these archetypes, too many to list here. If you are interested, go check out my article on sexual archetypes. The Jungian system of archetypes is another interesting starting point.
What it comes down to — everybody has an archetype they feel especially drawn to; the challenge is to find yours and cultivate it. When you have clarity about your archetype, many things automatically fall into place.
To start this process, make a list of all the people you admire or find interesting. Consider:
- Fictional characters in books and movies
- Mythological figures
- Friends that you are impressed by
- Celebrities like actors or singers
- Famous entrepreneurs
- Legendary politicians and tacticians
Try to come up with at least 10 to 20 names. Now, look at commonalities. Are there certain character traits that keep popping up? This might hint at your archetype.
Another method is to ask your friends. Pose the following question to them: “In my best moments, what famous person do I remind you of?” Then take the names they gave you and analyze what archetypes they represent. This might be you.
To be clear — I am not saying you should blindly model yourself after an archetype. They are a starting point, not the goal. You must put your twist on them.
3. Think About Your Goals
The next step is to think about your goals. What do you want to accomplish in life?
It can be helpful to start with the core areas of your life and define goals for each of them:
- Your job, aka what you want to do for a living
- Your finances, aka how much money you want to make
- Your romantic relationships, aka whom you want to have sex with
- Your friends, aka the people who you want to hang out with
- Your hobbies, aka the things you want to do for fun
Another good method to come up with goals that excite you is to think about your ideal day. If you were free to do whatever you wanted each day, what would you do? Go snowboarding? Design your own clothes? Cultivate your garden?
Be as specific as possible. Plan your whole day, from getting up in the morning to getting ready for bed at night. Once you have a clear vision for your ideal day, then backward engineer your ideal life. What would need to happen to have one ideal day after another?
4. Live Outside the Box
Many of us, when we ponder our goals, quickly settle for the trodden path. We end up doing what everybody else is doing — go to college, get a job, get married, have kids, etc. It either never crosses our mind to deviate from the social script. Or, if it does, it scares us witless.
But if you always just follow the herd, eventually, you will come to regret it. At some point, you won’t be able to ignore the cracks in the facade anymore:
- Most people hate their 9-to-5 jobs and would never do them unless they had bills to pay.
- Most people hate being stuck a in monogamous marriage and hence resort to porn, cheating, and mutual resentment.
- Most people come to regret consumerism, with student loans, mortgages, and credit card debts suffocating them.
Hence, think twice before buying into the white picket fence life. Deviating from the social script might seem scary at first. But long term, it might save you a lot of pain. You can at least try out more unconventional lifestyles. If you don’t like them, simply go back.
5. Revel in the Pain
A lot of self-help advice boils down to, “You are good enough.” There is no need to take action. Just learn to accept yourself as you are, that wonderful individual who has so much to give to this world, yadda yadda yadda.
Don’t buy into this nonsense.
Most people are not good enough. They are full of shortcomings and currently offer little value to the world.
If you try to paint over these deficits, you will never address them. You will never experience the success that you are indeed capable of — if you did put in the hard work.
Don’t try to dodge the pain. Glare at that gap between where you are at and where you would like to be. Then use that pain as fuel.
6. Stop Blaming Others
Many people claim they would like to improve their lives but then cite insurmountable obstacles.
“My partner is not supportive of my dreams.”
“The economy is really bad right now, no point in starting a business.”
“How can I be successful with all these immigrants stealing our jobs?”
“I am clearly not getting promoted because I’m in a minority group.”
There is no point in blaming others — even if you happen to be right. You will just waste your life away being angry.
And, truth be told, many people enjoy playing the victim card. It allows them to postpone action. If the “system” is broken (whatever that means to you), that’s the perfect excuse to not do anything about your own shortcomings.
The solution — take radical responsibility for yourself. Wherever you find yourself in life, assume it is your fault. And when everything is your fault, it follows that you must fix the problem. You are responsible:
- If you don’t like how a certain person treats you, find a better person.
- If you don’t like your 9-to-5 existence, start a business that you are passionate about.
- If you don’t like how few romantic options you have, become more charming.
- If you don’t like the political situation in your country, move to a different country.
There is never a point in complaining. There is only a point in taking radical action and making things better for yourself.
7. Understand Consistency
To create yourself, you must understand consistency. The reality is — you become what you repeatedly do.
If you start practicing the guitar for 3–4 hours each day, 10–15 years from now, you will be a professional musician.
If you start training in Brazilian jiu-jitsu and show up to class 5 times a week, 7–10 years from now, you will be a black belt.
If you spend 4–6 hours creating content for your blog or your YouTube Channel every day, 3–5 years from now, it will pay the bills.
There is no uncertainty here. Do the thing, and you become the thing.
8. Start Small
Most people, when they try to change the trajectory of their lives, get carried away by their enthusiasm.
“It’s a brand new me. I am going to get ripped / start an online business / get over my social anxiety, (fill in the blank).
But this energy boost wears off quickly. Within a few short weeks, they are back to their old routines.
The problem — they start big. They suddenly decide to go to the gym for two hours every day. They commit to reading 50 pages a day. But this is not sustainable.
To succeed, you must do the opposite of what everybody is doing — you must start small. Start so incredibly small that the effort seems ridiculous. Do one push-up a day. Read one paragraph in a business book a day.
Keep doing this for a week. In week two, go up to two push-ups / two paragraphs. In week three, three push-ups / three paragraphs.
At the end of the year, you will be doing 50+ push-ups or reading 50+ paragraphs per day. That is significant. These habits will transform your life.
Going small is the shortcut.
9. Let Go of Perfectionism
Many of us never take action because of unrealistic expectations. We want to get it “right” the first time, or not bother with it.
“I am either going to write a bestseller or not write a book at all.”
“I am either going to win this competition or not participate in it.”
“I am either going to develop the best app or no app.”
Don’t get me wrong — I am all for aspiring to excellence. But it’s not how you start. In the beginning, it is fine to take imperfect action. In fact, there is no way around it. You are trying to master a new field. How could you expect to get it right the first time when it took others years to master it?
At the root of perfectionism is narcissism. “I am so special, I should be able to master whatever.” So, to not prove yourself wrong, you never get started.
Don’t let that be you. Remind yourself, “I have to look a fool first to make it look effortless later.”
10. Expose Yourself to Challenges
To become the best version of yourself, you must expose yourself to challenges.
The problem — most people in the West grew up extremely sheltered and then continued to avoid all hardships as adults.
But hardships build character. By overcoming obstacles, you expand beyond yourself. You grow resourceful.
Fortunately, you can still expose yourself to challenges as an adult and reap the benefits.
Here are a few ideas:
Start training in a full-contact martial art like MMA. Learning how to deal with physical violence — in a controlled setting, of course — will build your resilience like few other activities.
Talk to strangers. Whenever you see an attractive stranger, compliment them. For example, you might say, “Hey, I know it’s a bit unusual, but I just saw you walking by and thought you looked really attractive.” It sounds innocent enough, but it’s hard. It will feel like a Herculean task. But do it anyway, and you will grow with the challenge.
Start a side hustle. In business, most niceties go out the window quickly. There is money to be had and people want that. By starting a side hustle, you will experience that friction. People will try to get freebies out of you, “forget” paying you, or steal your content. It might come as a shock at first. But you will also grow from it. You will let go of your delusions and learn to assess people realistically.
My final suggestion — try long-term travel. Putting yourself in an unfamiliar environment will do wonders for your personal development. This is even more true if you travel outside the West and skip the touristic destinations. Haggle with Egyptian taxi drivers. Go to MMA class in macho Ukraine. Have a yelling contest with your Greek date. Life works differently outside the US and Europe. And that’s a good thing. It will offer you new perspectives.
Bottom line — to grow, seek out challenges.
11. Surround Yourself With the Right People
The right people will greatly enhance your growth. If you move in circles that support your journey, your quest of “How to become the person you want to be,” will more likely be successful. It is how they say you — you become who you surround yourself with.
So, if your journey is about accumulating wealth, hang out with entrepreneurs. If your process is about becoming a tough guy, join the Marines. If you are seeking enlightenment, move to an ashram in India.
It sounds trivial when I put it like this. But it works. If everybody around you is obsessed with the same goal as you are, their energy and commitment will rub off on you.